Finding my purpose with “Fall to Rise”

Spending so much time on my phone doing nothing that would give me satisfaction or a meaning to life, I figured something had to change. This was about three months ago. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t have mind if my life ended, but since I was still there, I had a strong urge to do something that would one day make the world a tiny bit better.

I didn’t know what or how until the lovely vegan woman (I know you’re reading this, hello S :-D) whom I already followed for a few years on Instagram, started giving 1 on 1 mindfulness courses called “From fall to Rise”. In fall, most animals start becoming less active and spend more time inside, resting and preparing themselves for next year where they will come back even stronger and better in spring, ready to shine. Due to technology and the government convincing us we have to work 24/7 all year long in order to pay for life AND because our primate nephews would only live where it’s sunny and warm all year long, we’ve forgotten we, too, should take it slower every winter. Since we’re an intelligent species, we have to ability to think. This allows us to look back at least year, see what you liked and didn’t like and start thinking about how to change this for next year, so that you can become a better version of yourself. This is exactly what S wants the women she’s guiding to do: look back at last year or even longer to see if you’re happy with what you’re doing with your life and if not, change that for the better. She’s convinced me I can do anything I want.

The personal meetings occur on either Zoom or LIVE at Instagram. In the meantime, my coacher would post new assignments for me to complete, which we then discuss in the calls.

Fase one was about 6 or 7 weeks ago and was called “To Orientate”. In this fase I was going to discover what I liked to do as a child, what I like to do today and what I would like to do in the future. This fase has the purpose to discover what turns me on. I will discover what suits ME and what I can do with it to make this world a tiny bit better. I’m going to find out what is not only fun, but satisfying as well as giving me energy.

The very first assignment is about remembering what I liked doing as a 7-year-old. What gave me energy? When did I forget about time because I was doing something I liked? When was I in awe because I would discover something? When would I be so busy doing something I liked in the evening that my mum had to drag me upstairs? What kind of games did I like? Did I spend time outside?

To be fair, I don’t really enjoy looking at pictures from when I was 7 years old. My mum would still have her ex husband (my uhm, you know, the other “parent”). I wasn’t really allowed to be free, to be a child and my mother was scared of him as well and she was very weak. I was very shy. A year later he would finally leave my mother, but she was too weak to look after us and two large dogs. She would get up at 6 AM to clean the house (OCD) and she didn’t really like it if I were to start fiddling – which I loved doing. I would often go to my grandparent. I loved being at their place, even though they would also have a very clean house. They weren’t as unhappy as my mother, though, which was nice.
I would draw, fold, play with clay, take pictures etc. I also liked being outside with mother or my brother, even though usually it was to walk the dogs in the park. My mother’s new boyfriend would take us all to the small woods nearby and I loved going on vacation to bungalows in the woods a bit farther away in my country, even though being around my mother was often stressful and scary, especially whilst on vacation (mind you, she was sort of happy until I was about 5 and took really good care of me and loved me very much, that son of a bitch simply made a wreck of her).
I never really wanted to finish doing something before going to bed when I was 7, because I was always too scared of that man to NOT listen and when I was about that age, he would start learning me how to… you know….do grown up things after I had gone to bed. I’ve never really been able to really find out who I was as a child, because of oppression: my mother kept having new boyfriends because she thought she couldn’t be alone, all of whom would “help her with raising my brother and me” (which of course is a very bad thing to allow).

In assignment two I would have to write down what I like doing TODAY. This includes hobbies, what kind of books I like to read and what I like doing in my spare time. What do I consume? Who are my favorite influencers? What websites do I enjoy? Who inspires me and why?

I’ve become more “me” since I was about 17, after my mother had left her verbally abusive ex boyfriend after seven years. I can finally have my mother for me alone without any interference and she also leans on me al the time. I even quit going to school – a place which I used to love going to – but I found out it was only a tiny bit better than being at home with that ex boyfriend and an unhappy mother.
The years following I would be with mother, like, constantly. She never really prepared us for the future. I think she liked looking after us. I never got independent and I failed to develop myself into me. I used to draw a lot of portraits. I liked doing this when we would still visit my mother’s ex, but I didn’t really like it later in life. I think I persued it because I was good at it and didn’t really think about what I really liked otherwise.
It’s only after a few years after getting my first boyfriend as an adult, that I would start finding out who I really am and what I really like doing. In the first few years with my boyfriend, mother would still be very present.
I love being outside in nature. I love hiking, cycling, skating, cooking, baking (a kitchen would be very welcome, though), photography, eating and learning new things, especially languages and technology.
Am not into books. I can’t concentrate for longer periods of time.
What our bodies need most, is what I consume, as you may have read in the previous blog. That way, I feel healthy both physically and mentally and I can deal with life better than I would have had I neglected myself.
Waaaaaay too much time is being spent on my phone, on the internet since, well, we’ve been spending our time inside only since last June. Before that we would hike 10K ever day in the woods. I wouldn’t be using my phone until we would drive back in the afternoon. I love following Leena Henningsen, Jonna Jinton, Janneke van der Meulen, Aar_is_on, Djack Littel, Emily Clarkson, VanVerhalen (and many more people living in camper vans), Stef Kusters, Isabelle Feteris, embracing_reality and multiple animal- and climate activits.
I don’t know what Pinterest and TikTok are. I rarely used YouTube, but since a month or so we’ve been watching videos of people that live the lives that we’re dreaming of. To hurt ourselves so it seems heheh, naah, to learn and to hope.
I don’t really spend time browsing the internet. I only look up recipes or if I need to translate something.
Those who inspire me are people who can live their lives the way they choose to live them. Sadly, this can also make me sad, knowing I’m not privileged enough to have rich parents and with no diploma’s…

I now had to write a letter to my future self, about one year from now, how I’m hoping I’m living my life. I have to describe what my working day looks like when time, money and location aren’t an issue. What my day looks like, what kind of work I’m doing, where I live what I look like (?), what I’m consuming, what kinds of stuff I own, how wealthy I am and with what kind of people I’m surrounded with.

"To me,
In about a year from now after trying for so long and after al many people bothered us deliberately and bullied you and after you lost your (fur) babygirl, you've finally found your perfect place to live life. That you had to fight so badly for something that everyone is entitled to, is quite unfair. Sadly, others act as if you ask a lot, whereas no one asks so little from life as you do. Who would be happy only with being outdoors all the time in nature, without any luxurious materialistic item apart from cameras..? Simple things like walking, cooking and just "being" is enough for you. A bit like your life now, only without being in a city constantly where others decide for you you have to walk literally in the middle of the night without any nature. 
Working days... You are very much against this system. You have to earn your life, so you're better off not existing if you don't join those greedy bastards into making them even richer and more powerful, giving you just enough to survive but not enough to NOT continue working your ass off. But then... You wanted to do something with your life, for others or in this case, the planet. Definitely not to become wealthy, but yes, having a lot of money is your goal: you want to help those who aren't privileged enough and you want to be the change that you wish to see in this world. So you would keep on living a simple life with just enough money for yourselves to be independent. 
You would want to achieve this from within or nearby your camper van or your little house in the middle of nature. You would have to start in the country you're currently living in, since you're not allowed to move abroad when you live from a social income. Yet you wish to flee as soon as possible, out of the country that's full of rules and crowded with antsy humans. Scandinavia? The Pyrenees? Even farther? 
Your days wont be THAT different from your current days, with the exception of being able to leave your house (on wheels) whenever you feel like it (no more forced, nightly, fatigue walks but proper hikes during daytime): getting up early, big breakfast, spending time in nature, having lunch either whilst hiking or back at home, then back home doing some chores and work, then a proper meal, followed by another hike and then off to bed at around 10PM. You would still be eating very healthy, but you will FINALLY be able to move your bodies properly like you did before last summer, so you will probably eat even more than you're doing now.
You won't have much materialistic stuff. You only have a phone now as well. Your man has a very old laptop, you may have to have one yourself when you are doing the work you want to do. No TV, no fancy other computery things like iPads, no other electronics apart from your camera equipment. 
You won't have any other humans around you, much as it is today. They've hurt you far too many times. But who knows, time is gonna tell. Maybe one day you get to live your lives the way you're supposed to and deserve..."

After this assignment, I had a call with my coacher for about an hour. She would then write an evaluation about what we’ve talked about.
My coacher concluded that I want to do more photography (well, any photography AT ALL, I mean I haven’t been doing any for over six months!). What I need for that to happen is another place to live. There simply isn’t any nature here and there’s always way too many humans everywhere. My coacher told me it’s important I already have to be the person I want to become, which means I would have to do the things that my future self is going to do. I have to keep on taking pictures (I mean, I literally can’t! Not been outside for over 6 months only during nighttime!), but I have to stay in this energy, somehow…
My coacher understood that people inspire me who get to live lifes full of freedom. Freedom for me means: to live in nature and having just enough money to become independent, without any interference of the government, in a country other than where I’m now.
My coacher learned that we don’t want be surrounded by other humans, especially not whilst walking in the woods. We go there to be alone. What especially bothers us is the fact that non-vegan humans decided with their lifestyles that there is hardly any nature left in this country. They themselves aren’t bothered by bumping into others every minute and may even enjoy it. But we as long time vegans NEED and want there to be a lot of nature so that we can spend our time outside all alone. We’re somehow punished twice whilst we’re trying to be such good humans for this planet. We also don’t like how people smell of perfumes and laundry soap: that’s quite rude towards wild animals as well. And they talk so loudly as if they’re in a cafe, especially now that restaurants are closed and people decide to catch up in the woods. They somehow also believe everyone else in the woods is there to have a conversation with….
My coacher also found out I stand up well for myself. I don’t adapt, I don’t change for others and I have no problem with saying “no”. When my mother would still have those boyfriends, she kind of lacked that and usually let her boyfriends do something or decide something that she didn’t agree with. I think that’s made me so strong.
I was given new assignments after that first call and evaluation. My coacher understood that earning some money is a priority, so that I can finally live my dream which is living in nature, photography and doing the things where I can finally do something useful WITH my life FOR ALL life.
This is possible, according to my coacher, but we’ve got to make sure to do it right. I need good equipment, I need to somehow earn some money or safe some, without getting into trouble with my social income.
I need to earn as much as my social income – or more. Something’s got to change. I need to do something in order to change things.

The following assignments:

How much money do I need to live off grid in nature? In a little house or camper van?

We’re not sure yet about what we want. I think a camper van and then we may sell it someday when we’ve found the perfect little house in nature. Sadly, the price of camper vans have risen extremely over the last two years due to covid. Back in the days they would cost only a few thousand, now it’s almost 10 times as much! A house costs about the same in Scandinavia. It feels so unfair, non-vegans have caused this pandemic with their lifestyle and literally everyone has spread the virus with their social lives which we don’t have! And they already have a home and we don’t! We get to be beaten up -again- for doing nothing wrong.

How much is it gonna cost both for the house/camper van and the monthly costs?

Camper van: 10.000-15.000 euro’s. Monthly costs would apply to gas, maintenance, food and water. If a house: we live extremely sustainably so the monthly costs would be much less than for others.

What camera go you want and how much does it cost?

Either a Nikon Z7II with a Nikkor Z-50 lens or a Panasonic Lumix DC-S1H or a Sony A7 IV. It’s got to be refurbished so about 2000 euros I’d say.

If your current situation doesnt change, how long would you need then to achieve your goal?

Well, in order to live the life I want to live, things HAVE to change first. If not, there’s no such future. There probably isn’t any, because I’d much rather not exist than surviving like a fucking vegetable like I’m doing now.

How much is your social income and how much do you have left after you’ve paid the fixed charges?

I’ve only been having a full social income for about a year now. Until last year, I was paid only 45-55 percent of the full, whole 70 percent income. Thanks to the fact I had to live from so little money, I’m now still paying the price for that. My mother lives from only a third of my income, so we need to pay her what she’s not being paid, because we live here (they assume we live as one happy little family rather than us living AT her house). Ironically, we always have to lend money from her after a few weeks, which she then of course gets back as soon as my social income has been deposited.

How much can you safe?

Nothing, as now has become clear.

Ask with your social benefits society what’s possible and what not. Find out what the possibilities are.

Done. This is possible!

I’m doing this coaching thing, because in my life I’m missing passion, a mission, real freedom and I’m simply not doing anything that turns me on or what I love. That, what makes me forget about time. We’re not living in a society that takes these factors into account. Everything is based on making a lot of money in the fastest way possible. So it’s time for me now to do what’s important for ME. I want to choose from my heart, not from my head. It’s important to not focus on short term goals, even though that’s what most people do, since they want to make a lot of money in a very short time. They want to be successful as soon as possible, they want to be happy tomorrow and loose 10kg within a week and earn a million within a month. Especially women want to buy fast fashion real FAST as soon as they find something they like. This society is set to do things as fast as possible. You get that bought fast fashion product the next day in your mail after clicking on a button online. Instagram keeps feeding you the things it thinks you want to scroll through. But have you noticed what happens as soon as you have what you wanted to have? Are you genuinely happy? Are you satisfied and calm? Or are you looking for another goal, another stimulant or dopamine rush?

In Japan some people live quite differently. They believe in order to be happy forever, it’s important to find your Ikigai and live to it accordingly. Ikigai means to have a purposeful life.

How would you feel if you dedicated your life to something very useful for both yourself and the planet? That you work, but you do it with a lot of passion?

In fase two I’m going to find out what MY Igikai is.

Igikai is made out of four circles: What I love, what I’m good at, what the world needs and what I can be paid for. There where the circles overlap each other is where I’ll find my Igikai. That’s where my vocation, mission and passion come together. I want to believe in myself. I don’t want to have limiting thoughts that would prevent me from discovering my mission.

This is mine. It’s in Dutch, I was too annoyed to make this again in Paint in English, heheh. But you get the idea.

In the upper most circle I’ve written what I love. In the left circle I’ve written what I’m good at. I’ve asked both Mart and my mother to help me with this one. In the right circle you can find that what the world needs and in the bottom circle I had to write what I can be paid for, however, I had absolutely no clue! I’ve never ever worked and I have never finished school, so I’m unaware of the jobs that exist.

A few weeks later I had another phone call with my coacher. We talked about my Igikai and she helped me with finding a few professions:

  • Selling photography prints,
  • Making videos for Vimeo or YouTube,
  • Advertise on my website,
  • A cook,
  • A coach for a healthy wholefoods plantbased diet,
  • A different kind of online coach
  • Writing an e-book about veganism or plantbased food,
  • Becoming an influencer and start paid partnerships

My coacher was very surprised that I had started a website and a webshop where you can buy prints of our photography. I told her that -once we would be living in nature- my goal is to make videos of nature that have a message. I want to show people what the fuck they’re doing to this planet with their selfish lifestyle. I may narrate the videos and I may hopefully one day be in the videos myself.
I would also love to discover my photography style. The pictures I’m taking now aren’t really artistic.
My coacher agreed with that I knew I had to something that’s of worth to others. All my content has to be useful, educational or inspiring.
We also talked about me wanting to become a do-gooder, an environmentalist and an online creator. I showed in my Igikai that I want to make big changes and I want people to hear my voice. It would be important for me to show myself, to allow people to connect with me. For now, I still don’t like showing myself, especially not to those who live near me (i.e. neighbors). She asked me to find out why I don’t like showing myself and she’s written an assignment for it.
My coacher found it there’s a burning fire inside of me, which I would want to use in my future plans. I want to use my strength, fire and drive to wake up the world.

Assignment 1:

Find a way to sell my photography prints. Choose a few and start using them.


  • Micro Florist
  • Werkaandemuur

Assignment 2:

Choose 3 professions from the list above I want to start focussing on.

  • Becoming an influencer,
  • An online coach of some sort,
  • Selling photography prints

Assignment 3:

Make a new Instagram account (I’m going to use an old one) for my new website/channel and upload a story once a week, where I’m telling something with me in it, talking about one if my contents or about something that inspires me. I have to invite my coacher for this account. As soon as I notice that I find it difficult, I have to write down my thoughts.

This is far too difficult, since I don’t talk much in real life as well. @ourplantpantry is what I’m not gonna use for awhile. I’m catching up on editing my photo’s (5000!!) in Lightroom for our @pantrydukaatje Instagram. I will use my “Stories” for my life NOW maybe on @beardedfrugivore. Not sure about this one, though. I wish to live more in the present and spend less time on my phone.

Assignment 4:

Write down what value I can offer to others with my content. How can I bring it to others? What kind of content do I find valuable?

Value: showing and proving that your body needs a lot of food. Showing how everyone’s selfishness is destroying their very own planet and future by making footage of some sort. Showing by allowing minimalism into your life, that life’s gonna get better.


I’ve found out whilst making the assignment that I have quite a few interests. Perhaps in my Igikai not all that I love is emerging. Which is okay. We don’t spend all 24 hours in a day doing our job. I have other hobbies, projects and maybe some kind of voluntary work.
The next assignment is going to show this. It’s called “Dreamlining”. This method is being used by the NR. They’re the New Rich, a group of people that make money in a clever way. Tim Ferris uses this method (author of The Four Hour Workweek). Successful people who have done extraordinary things. We’ve got to learn from them.
The name “Dreamlining” honors its title by combining dreaming with a timeline. The key to achieve goals. This is what happens when I start doing this:

My goals will start shifting from ambitious desires to defined steps.

What would I do if I knew I wouldn’t fail?

Assignment 2.1:
Step 1:

Create a timeline from either 6 or 12 months.

Make a list of:

  • Five things I would love to own (for example a house, a car, clothes etc)
  • Five things I would want to be (for instance a cook, speaking a language fluently)
  • Five things I’d love to do (visiting a country, bungee jumping, going on a vacation).

There’s no need for me to do this ethically responsible or politically correct. It’s very much okay if I wish to have a house with 10 dogs. I’m allowed to be materialistic, there’s an abundance of everything for everyone (okay I totally disagree with this point). Be honest towards myself and let my heart speak and ignore my analytical mind.

Step 2
I have to convert every “to be” in “to do”. That way, I make it action oriented. I’ll write down the actions that are required to reach this “to be” state.

I have to choose 4 dreams that make me the most enthusiastic. If all is well, my Igikai will be revealed.

Step 3
I will now have to find out how much my dreams are gonna cost. I have to calculate my monthly income target.
How much does the dream cost every month? (How much is the total sum of this specific dream and how much is it devided by 12?).
I have to make it as detailed as possible, that way I avoid sudden surprises.

Step 4:
I have to calculate my monthly income target. I have to add my monthly charges times 1.3 (unexpected expenses) to the total amount of A, B and C of my selected four dreams. The total sum is what I have to earn every months.

Step 5:
I have to devide that by 30 to find out what I have to earn daily.

Assignment 2.2
Now I know what my dreams are and what I have to earn daily and monthly, it’s time to reveal what I’ve got to do to achieve that.

It’s very important that I’m actually gonna do the things that are being expected of me. Be aware of procrastination and thoughts like “I can do this later”. We all know, later is never. Procrastination is the thief of time. I need to do the work.

I have to define 3 steps for each dream that bring me closer to realising them. I have to define the actions I need to take, for now, tomorrow (finishing at 11 in the morning) the day after (finishing at 11 as well).

As soon as I’ve written down the actions that are required, I put them in the NOW colom. Do it now. Every tasks is simple enough to do within 5 minutes. If not, I have to devide them into smaller steps.

It doesn’t matter how small the task is. Take the first step, now.



In 12 months I DREAM of:

A campervan €6.000 -> €500/month
A fullframe camera€2000 -> €166/month
Adopting a few more fur babies
(vet, food etc)
€3000 -> €250/month
Good, ethical, sustainable
(sports) clothes
€500 -> €41/month
TOTAL (A): 957

Fluent in the language of the country
I’ll be living in
A good filmmakerWatching many similar viodeo’s
An influencerExpanding my Instagram somehow
A good writerKeep on writing blogs
Good at either running or cyclingI can only start doing this when
I’m in nature, away from where
we live NOW.

Making YouTube videosI would first need my own home and
Helping mother financiallyabout €500 monthly
Building our own campervan (solar energy, inverter,
charge controller, fridge, stove, sink, dieselheater,
windows, wood (kraalschroot), paint, wiring, light (12V),
watertank, roofrack, boiler, LED bar, tyres, 5 USB sockets,
laptop USB socket
€6000 -> €416/month (if possible
we buy used products only)
Visiting a friend in Bulgary and hiking in
the Carpethian mountains
(A campervan/car) + €384 fuel ->
Becoming debt free€20.000 -> €166/month
TOTAL (C): €1114

Monthly Expenses (w/ 30% buffer):                                     € _____

Target Monthly Income (TMI)
A + B + C + (1.3 x monthly expenses) = TMI
Target Daily Income (TDI)TMI ÷ 30 = TDI€89,75
TMI of Starred Items€______
TDI of Starred Items€______

I got help with the following assignment:

Steps Now 

  1.  Duolingo ✅
  2.  Making a list with stuff I want to talk about in my blog ✅
  3.  Using Google Maps to find places Id love to visit ✅
  4.  Take a picture of the same thing every day ✅


  1.  Taking night portraits of my city ✅
  2.  Drawing the inside of our future camper ✅
  3.  Finding out what we need in our camper and how much it’s gonna cost ✅
  4.  Help building a website for our future income (vegan hotels and affl link to e.g. tripadvisor) ✅

Day After 

  1.  Selling trousers on Vinted that I’ve never been able to wear ✅
  2. Posting old video’s on Youtube ✅
  3. Posting old posts on Instagram ✅
  4. Finding free studies for us to do ✅

  1. Where am I now? Input all of your current monthly expenses. If something doesn’t fit in the below categories, add it into the “miscellaneous” total. This is a good snapshot of your outgoing cash-flow.
  1. Where should I be? Subtract all non-essentials that are no longer used or used infrequently. Eliminate all things that consume income or attention without enriching your life (subscriptions to magazines you don’t read, memberships to services you don’t use, seldom-driven but often-serviced cars, etc.). This new end total, multiplied by 1.3 to provide a 30% buffer, is the clean slate that we take to the next step — adding in all the elements and luxuries that define your ideal lifestyle.

Rent/Mortgage [1]
Road Taxes€70
Education/Tuition/Student Loans
Credit Card Minimum Payments [2]
Car Payments€50
Other Loan Payments
Car Insurance [1]€30
Home Insurance
Life Insurance
Health/Dental Insurance€250
Public Transportation
Eating Out€30
Subscriptions (Online and Offline)Lightroom/Adobe
Multiply row A by 1.3 for 30% buffer:€1885
ADD ROWS B and C ABOVE TO GET YOUR Target Monthly Income (TMI):€4577

I’ve mapped the places we want to visit for hikes and photography

Other things we’ve been doing over the last few weeks/months:

  • Charging our old car who’s battery was flat after not driving for over 9 months
  • Seeing if the car would still start. It did
  • Making an appointment for our car to have its MOT
  • Taking our own passport pictures
  • Sending pictures to a website that’s gonna check them and print them and send them to us
  • Making an appointment to have our passports renewed (mind you, we haven’t left mum’s doorstep during the day for over NINE MONTHS now so it’s gonna be so so so so scary!)
  • Cleaning mum’s very old suitcase (over 35 years old)
  • Folding all of our winter clothes and putting them in that suitcase
  • Put our summer clothes in a smaller suitcase which belonged to grandmother
  • Coats and vests in a backpack
  • Ordering tools to be able to clean our old dormer on the outside. People are literally hating on us for how dirty that thing looks, but I’m gonna clean it for mother
  • Watching many videos from people who live the lives we wish to live one day
  • Spending hours if not half a day waiting until it was our turn to fill out a form to start doing courses
  • Receiving many books and papers regarding these courses. I’m gonna start learning to become a lifestyle coach and he’s gonna become a web developer
  • Starting to become more fit again by cycling in the garden and walking a few km almost every night again, because hey, we wish to live outdoors
  • Trying to get attention for my appearance by continuing posting pictures of my face furniture. I mean, there must be women dealing with the same condition who wish to be less insecure, like me…? And there must be people who somehow think I can make money by growing a beard…?
  • Making an appointment at the vet’s for Fannar to have his tittering and his rabbia vaccin. Mum’s taking him there tomorrow

Still to do:

  • Having our passports renewed ✔️ (without leaving mum’s house! They visited US)
  • Emptying car ✔️
  • Taking car to garage for its MOT ✔️ – Err, we brought the car yesterday (5 April) night and we heard back from them that following night. Repairing it would cost 1500 to 2000 euros…… Yap….. Doing this huge thing and then falling back even deeper isn’t helping…
  • Filling three crates with emergency food ✔️
  • Buying an e-book written by Kalle Flodin ✔️
  • Packing more bags ✔️
  • Searching mum’s attic for things I want to keep ✔️
  • Making a few videos and edit them ✔️
  • Cleaning dormer
  • My man trying to fix the car himself
  • Build our little girl a better shelter
  • Somehow finding a way to earn money
  • New driver’s license
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