“I’m so, so confused…” Those words were all I could say when we arrived back home at mum’s.
We arrived home just like we would until a year ago: waiting for everyone to pass our car, my man opening the front door and me running like an imbecile until I was in the garden. But this time I didn’t carry my little girl… I had to see for myself once again that she’s lying exactly there where we left her. As I turned my head, my eyes saw our tent where we’d been spending the last year in, but my heart saw the bench that used to be exactly there where we would sit down upon arriving home every single day until we could go inside the house. Those few minutes used to be perfect…
As I’m writing this, it is as if everything that happened yesterday was just a dream. However, if we continued living like we did yesterday for forever, I would have thought the past YEAR was just a dream. Sitting next to my man in our car on the road was still as perfect as it possibly can be now that our girl won’t be with us anymore physically. I didn’t want to go home anymore, I wanted my man to keep on driving forever as my heart still saw all four of us, alone together, going on an adventure in our very own little house on wheels without anyone interfering with us and with no pressure whatsoever.
Yesterday was the very first time in almost a year where we had to get out and about during the day. Until then, we would only go for short walks during the very first hours of the day – or more like the night.
This meant using our old car that has no MOT. My man has been working on it almost every weekday for the last couple of months to get it fixed himself. And it paid off – the engine works like a dream, it’s even better than when we bought it back in 2020.
We went early so that we could first spend some time in nature. We did a sort walk around a pond where we had never been before. It felt better to go where we had never taken our girl. But the next walk was where we did use to go to occasionally. Thankfully it isn’t one of “our happy places” – we tried real hard to not drive past those.
Since this very place is one of Fannar’s favourites, it made it a bit less difficult. It was really nice to see him this happy between the hares and pheasants he could chase…