It’s too much

Climate crisis -> warmer air -> can contain more water than colder air. So much rain. So much more noise lately from the three motorways nearby mums house. Constantly falling water next to our house from the drainage from the neighbours who hung their sewer thing selfishly next to their house instead of in their garden in the ground.
I could usually sort of put up with that noise and that of the highway (which is never quiet anyway) in summer and autumn. But now it’s, so much rain, my head, it’s so dark in winter, so much noise, I can’t think. I want to write, but I can’t, because I can’t think. I feel so trapped.
Fighting with my man this morning. I needed to be away from him only for a short time. But where to…? Where can I find peace and quiet to think? Not in the very same little room where we live I tried the park but it’s literally next to one of those busy roads and the bus lane. Bright lights everywhere that fuck up my brain. Due to possible autism, my pupils may dialate later than those of neurotypical people. They adjust slower to sudden light. That combined with my sensitive brain due to migraine which is a neurological brain disease, it’s too much to live where there’s ALWAYS noise from traffic and the people in the long flat right behind the garden. It’s too much to live in the very early morning/late night with artificial lights instead of normal daylight. It’s too much to smell sigaret smoke about 15 times daily. It’s too much to hear both front- and rear doors of our neighbours at least 30 times every day. To see my AD(H)D man working on his big screen with multiple tabs open and every page zoomed in…
It’s been over 18 months and I feel like I’m literally full in my head. No more space for any stimulants. Can’t think straight and thus can’t ease the pain. Can’t self sooth. I feel numb mostly. I want to feel alive. I can’t seem to spread love and I can’t stand my fur baby who’s simply being what a normal dog is. I don’t want to feel as if he’s the last droplet that’s going to overflow the very full bucket.
Can 2023 contain a bit more living than surviving, please? Because if the answer is no, I’d much rather not exist anymore.
I’m trying so hard to not be present (against our own nature) by watching more and more YouTube videos of people living our dream lives. But then the songs they use are stuck in my head for days as well. Even whilst waking up multiple times in the middle of the night I keep on hearing them. They haven’t replaced the other noises, they’re with the other noises.
My man has to literally lie on top of my head, on my ear, in the evening to make me calm. those minutes I CAN thin and be.
I found this explanation in my language which I’m going to translate, so that you can finally understand my head.”I can’t seem to shut my head. Ever.A coffee machine with a torn coffee filter paper thing. That’s my head.A filter should be neatly closed. You put coffee in it and the water goes through it and then it gives you a nice cup of coffee. Without coffee ground. When the filter is torn, both water and coffee ground end up in your cup. The more holes in your filter, the more coffee ground enters your cup. My filter is full of holes Perhaps there simply even isn’t a filter at all.EVERYTHING enters my cup, my head. All sounds, smells, light and thoughts. Everything. Always. A head full of coffee ground”.

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